I have been feeling Graced and I have been feeling Frustrated at the same time a lot recently. In other words I feel and am experiencing two polar opposites at once. It seems to be one of the biggest themes running through this whole brain injury thing.
Boy, I am struggling writing about this. It is so hard to explain. Part of what is happening as I am writing this is that my mind is darting all over trying to pull together the various thoughts so I can put them out in front of me and onto this screen. That too of course is part of functioning with a brain injury.
One of the polar opposites is feeling positive and hopeful about how much progress and improvement I am making and also feeling frustrated because the more I try to do, the more I find my current limits.
I wish I could find more descriptive words to describe how confusing this all is and how much I feel I am being pulled in multiple directions at once. I will try.
It is like for every step forward there is a slip to the side, spin around twice, fall down, crawl a little and slide backwards, then get back up and take a step forward again. I know I am improving but the physical, mental, emotional, and all the other gyrations are confusing and exhausting.
I have good days, mediocre days, and bad days. I never know which day is going to be what. I feel I am beginning to get a handle on that but then wham!; a day comes along out of the blue that knocks me off my feet for no apparent reason.
As I try to do more I run into more limits. The brain fatigue is so intense! And it is so FRUSTRATING! I am finding that my brain still works. It is getting stronger. But it gives out when I don’t expect it.
I have been doing some volunteer Strategic Planning and Consulting for a non-profit. I have been doing this through the Department of Vocational Rehab to test my ability and stamina. Ability is clear in that I can still think well. I can still do excellent work. However, brain stamina is all over the map! I can have a great, productive meeting with someone but afterward be so mentally exhausted that I cannot process thoughts safely enough to drive home!!
I am writing this blog post at 3 AM because I can’t sleep. I woke up from a dream in which I was struggling in quick sand. I think it is very good expression of how I am feeling about all of this right now.