I never know quite what to say to people when they ask me how I am doing; especially if they do not know that I have a brain injury.
The reality is that I am doing great! Largely because I finally have the correct diagnosis and am getting the help I need.
I am sure it is confusing to people. For the previous six years I told people I was fine, or good, or even great. But in reality I was falling apart and did not know why. As I have written about in other posts I was caught in old patterns of needing to appear strong and together; of feeling that if I couldn’t clearly explain the problem then I shouldn’t say anything until I could (which of course that thinking is a black hole if it is the brain itself that is injured); of being prideful; and of fearing no one would like me if I showed vulnerability. (Yes, I know I got that very wrong!)
So, for six years I was telling people I was fine when I wasn’t. Now, I am telling them that I have a brain injury but things are good!
Here is the explanation. Now since I know what is wrong I can approach it logically. It is just an engineering problem. I have to explore and discover exactly what is not working, develop compensatory techniques, and work towards rebuilding a working system.
The relief I feel at finally being able to get out of the quicksand I have been sinking in for six years is tremendous. In addition, I have a great team helping me at Harborview Medical Center. Somedays I have 5 appointments! Each with a different member of the team. I am looking at this as an intensive. I am finally where I need to be. I am finally getting help I am responding to. I have to meet with all these caregivers and work hard on all of this for a number of months and then I can exit that clinic and pick back up a more normal life; far more normal than I have had for the last 6 years.
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