One of the remaining effects from the TBI is that I have "no filter". I cry at commercials. I tear up when any strong emotion is felt. If anyone else around me is feeling a strong emotion or crying, I cry too. I can't hold it back.
When there is discord and tension in a TV show it is so unbearable that I leave the room. I feel it as if I was there – as if I were the characters or as if I was an invisible person standing between them and absorbing the tension from each side.
Some filtering mechanism is broken and not yet repaired or rerouted. I don't know if I will get that back. I may not.
There are some beneficial results from the lack of filter. I am sure that it is what helps me to be more vulnerable, more real, more present. I used to try to "keep it together" at all times. Now I can't.
But on the negative side it puts everything in my face . . . and in my heart.
With the horrors of the Haitian earthquake that is not a small thing. I have been feeling very down for the past few days and I truly think it is because of what has happened and is happening in Haiti.
How do I separate from that? I don't know. The filter is broken. I can try to "think my way out" but that has no effect because what is happening is on the feeling level.
This is no small thing. I have been showing some of the signs of depression again. I cannot slide into depression every time there is a catastrophe in the world. I suppose I could go out and take a walk when Mom watches the news but that feels like I am burying my head in the sand.
I wish there was something I could do to help the situation in Haiti. But I do not possess a magic wand . . . and a magic wand is about the only thing that could change that huge of a disaster.
So what can I do? For Haiti – not much other than donate some money which I have already done.
I think the Haitian earthquake was just a final straw to a lot of downward feelings I have been having. Hmmm . . . as I write this I realize that most of the things I am feeling down about are "current affairs" from the news. Maybe I really do need to stop watching it. But the items that I am feeling down about are also real and a part of this country and this world I live in.
I started to write about some of the things: The economic downturn, the greed of upper management of the major banks, the willingness to make money off of people – which is very different from making money by being of service to people, how broken this whole economic system is, how broken our government is, how much power the conservatives have (that is frightening), all the lying that is going on in the political arena, etc. But I decided not to write about them. I feel all the big stuff is truly hopelessly screwed up. Writing about it only upsets me and makes me feel even more hopeless.
There is a similarity here. In all of the above the issues are way beyond me, way beyond anything that I can fix or even impact. Maybe that is part of the filtering that is broken. The ability to put things in their proper place, proper distance is missing so all of it feels close; right on top of me.
I know that I am not alone in feeling impacted by the Haiti disaster. I just have no measuring stick for how what I am experiencing compares to others.
Interestingly, just now when I checked my Inbox there was an email from a Biznik member George Haung. This Saturday, January 15th, from 9:30-10:15 am PST, he will be hosting a discussion group (which people call into) that will participate in a brainstorming session about what we can as group of "generous entrepreneurs" might be able to do to help turn this situation into something that elevates the economy and confidence of Haitians and creates a ripple effect across the globe for collaboration and connection at a heart-centered level.
George is encouraging people to pass the word on to other like-minded entrepreneurs. The call is free, but you'll need to register to receive the dial-in information: www.freedompreneur.com/consciousleaderpreneurship
I am going to call in and give a listen. Maybe it will help me deal with the feelings a little more. I think writing in here has helped some. At least I am clearer on how this lack of filter is affecting me.
The thing is, not everything is bad in MY life at all. In fact things are quite good. A little scary at times, but over all things are going well. I have started doing some paid work. I am enjoying being in Florida a great deal. My Mom and I are getting along amazingly well. (I am living with her this winter season since she had a fairly rough year in relation to her health.)
I don't understand why this lack of filter can cause such an imbalance. The sadness was really taking me over.
One of the reasons I wanted to write here tonight was to see if I could turn things around. I am going out to coffee with a Match.com guy tomorrow. I would like to be more upbeat than I was feeling earlier tonight.
You know, the thing is, I have gotten out of touch with my connection to a higher power. I guess in some ways that is hard to square with the suffering going on in Haiti. But that is not mine to judge. I firmly believe there is some force that helps me out in my life. I need to look to that to keep me more in balance. The thing that is difficult for me is that I feel guilty having a good life when others are suffering so. But again, that is not mine to judge. If I was supposed to suffer like that I would be there I guess.
So, on that note I think I am going to say some prayers of thanksgiving and go to sleep.
