Dancing Upside Down

A Sense of Direction: Uneasy Acceptance Revisited

 

Tonight, I told a friend about a post I had done called Uneasy Acceptance mainly because I had mentioned Tom Dundee to him and in the post.  After sending him the link, I reread the post and was amazed at how much of it still rings true.  I am, however, a little bit further along on my journey than I was back in April of 2009.

The term Uneasy Acceptance comes from the following quote from the Traumatic Brain Injury Survival Guide written by Glen Johnson, PhD.

The next phase is what I call uneasy acceptance.  This is when head-injured people learn where they stand and what their limits are.  They've learned after many failings and many times of paying for it, that they can only handle a limited number of hours of work or play.  They've learned to keep a consistent schedule and will stick to that schedule.  For example, they can work six hours a day, but realize that 8 hours is too much.  They've learned to say, "I have to deal with this head injury."  Does this mean they like it?  NO.  They're not happy about it, but they've learned to accept it.  Often individuals in this phase begin to use words like the "old" me and the "new" me.  Many of their old friends are no longer with them, but they've found new friends.  They've moved on to new relationships, maybe even new work, and they've basically said, "People have to like me for what I am."  That's "uneasy acceptance".²

What startled me about that quote is that it actually vividly describes right where I am now; not where I was last year.

When I wrote the first post in April of 2009 I was just beginning to get out of denial.  I was just beginning to realize that this brain injury was for real and that I may be forever changed.  I was starting to mourn and fear the loss, not starting to accept the new me.

Of course my response to doctors back then was still sort of a quiet rebellion and determination.  I was  still working doggedly to the help I needed.  I had not yet started at CORP TBI group at Harborview Medical Center.  As I have said before, the help I got there was transformative!

Transformative. That is an interesting word to use.  CORP did not transform my brain injury.  They did not give me my old me back.  But they gave me the tools to develop a new life with this new me.

Back at the time of the first post I said:

Hope and "Uneasy Acceptance" are sort of coexisting in me; not at war with each other or vying for attention.  If anything the "Uneasy Acceptance" is jumping around in the stands rooting Hope and Hard Work on to greater and greater improvements and achievements.  It is like Hope and "Uneasy Acceptance" have become allies. 

I am in a different place now.  I would not say I am at a homeostasis with my healing, but I am at a place of, well, "Uneasy Acceptance"  I am ready to move on into a new life. 

Interestingly, I plopped the sketch by Jeff Gregory of Jagged Smile into the beginning of this blog post because it just "felt right".  When I went to link to it to give him credit, I found that the sketch is entitled:

"A Sense of Direction ... A Direction of Sense" 

How very fitting!  That sums up where I feel I am at. 

I am beginning to get "A Sense of Direction" of where my new life is headed and "A Direction of Sense" is the acceptance part of that.  It is accepting the limitations I still have and learning to work with them.  For instance like accepting that I need to do a full stop rest a couple of times during each day in order to function, or having some compassion with myself when I miss a step in my planning no matter how hard I tried to cover everything.

I am still exploring what that new life looks like, but in many ways, I am happier than I have ever been before.  Along with the brain cells, I shed a lot of other useless garbage that was holding me back. 

Maybe I am actually attaining some Serenity in the matter.

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Footnotes:

1. The wonderful cartoon "A Sense of Direction...A Direction of Sense" at the start of this entry is by Jeff Gregory of Jagged Smile and is used with permission.  I love his blog and his cartoons!
2. Glen Johnson PhD, Traumatic Brain Injury Survival Guide, p. 67 (approximately) 
3. The Serenity Prayer is most often attributed to Reinhold Niebuhr. 

We Are Not Our Disabilities

I stole the line used in the title from a poem Jessica Starr posted the other day in the forum section of the TBI Survivors Network.  Her line was actually: You are not your disability.

I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be a "Survivor".  Why do some of us rebuild or build a life that we can live to the fullest of our abilities, and others succumb to only existing and bemoaning their fate? 

It is interesting to note that even the definition of survivor addresses that difference.  Webster's New World College Dictionary defines it as:

sur·vi·vor (sər vī′vər)  noun

1. a person or thing that survives; specif., a person who has survived an ordeal or great misfortune
2. a person regarded as resilient or courageous enough to be able to overcome hardship, misfortune, etc.

sur·vive (sər-vīvˈ)  verb

1. To remain alive or in existence: live on
   
2. To to continue to function or prosper
   

(The latter definition of survive is actually from Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary.)

The thing is that those two distinctions, what I said above about overcoming and thriving or succumbing to existence and lamentation, are very self perpetuating.  The more positive someone is the more people want to help the person.  The more whiny and "Oh poor me" the person is, the quicker people get fed up and quit trying. 

In a private conversation with someone recently I addressed the problem and a possible solution as follows:

There is a thing that can happen anywhere, including in a medical setting.  There are non-obvious, unintentional leaders in any group. Equally, there are non-obvious, unintentional salespeople in any group too.  These positions have nothing to do with rank, job description, job position, etc.  They are traits in the personalities.  The thing is often a person is not aware that they have these traits and that they lead or sway group thinking.  The reality is, on a subconscious level, the rest of the people follow the lead and/or believe the salesperson. 

Why this is important is that if at first you came to you caregivers and gave the hidden leaders and salespeople a certain impression and/or they got an attitude about you then they may have infected the rest of the team.  The way you change something like that is to help people become CONSCIOUS.  Presenting people with clear direct communication wakes them up out of the subconscious attitudinal stupor.  Because you have been being beaten up so badly by some of your experiences, and because you were not treated properly for your depression, I can imagine that you might have seemed different than who you really are. 

People like to help winners.  It is reality.  I have theories on that.  I think it has to do with how it fires up pleasure and reward centers in a person's brain.  Think about and sense how you feel when you are around someone who is on a downer; it is draining.  Then think about the rush you get when you are able to truly help someone; it is uplifting.

There is another aspect to it too.  When you bring complaints about your boss or neighbor to someone; there really is no action they can take to fix, improve, or change the situation.  It gives people a horrible feeling because it is really just poisoning their space with negative emotions. 

When instead, you bring healthcare professionals specific issues and questions about you - not someone else; they have something concrete they can take action on; a way they can help you.  They want to help!  I mean really want to- it is why they went into the profession. 

Note that I said "and questions" above.  By being specific, I do not mean that you have to know everything you need help on.  You can say "I feel confused about what does and doesn't work for me right now.  It makes me feel sort of lost.  What are some tests and evaluations we could do to help me understand my capabilities clearly and regain some clarity and confidence?"

By being a winner I DO NOT mean a falsely positive attitude.  I mean someone who conveys their desire to move forward, who is hungry for help and tools to reenter life and, if possible, the work force.  You have made the switch from a victim to "Okay, this is me; now how do I move forward." You need to convey that at healthcare professionals.  They may not have made the switch with you.  You need to help them do that by being a leader of yourself.  When patients lead - healthcare workers follow!  I guarantee you!

A good trick to use is to walk around your house and get the feeling solidly in your body of sometime when you were feeling successful at something big - like a period at some job, etc.  Did you just notice that as soon as your mind started looking for the thought and feeling that you just sat up straighter?  It is amazing the difference that being in the right headset makes! 

The next time you go to the clinic, sit for a moment in your car and connect to that time you have gone to when walking around the house, then walk across the parking lot and get it into your body.  Approach your work of healing and figuring out your next steps toward a fulfilled and happy life from that place.

I recently came across a video of Jeff Bezos, the Founder & CEO of Amazon, giving the Baccalaureate address to Princeton University's Class of 2010.  One's character, he suggested, is reflected not in the gifts one is endowed with at birth but rather by the choices one makes over the course of a lifetime.

He spoke of taking the risk of leaving a secure job and starting Amazon:  "I didn't think I would regret trying and failing.  And I suspected I would always be haunted by a decision to not try at all.  After much consideration I took the less safe path to follow my passion and I am proud of that choice." 

Further on in the talk he asked:

Will inertia be your guide?  Or will you follow your passions? 
When it is tough, will you give up? Or will you be relentless? 
Will you be a cynic? Or will you be a builder?

And he closed with: 

When you are 80 years old, and in a quiet moment of reflection narrating for only yourself the most personal version of your life story, the telling that will be most compact and meaningful will be the series of choices you have made.

In the end, we are our choices. Build yourself a great story.

Hans Rosling: Ace Presenter!

In my "other life" I have, and still do, coach people on presenting skills; getting their message across to their listeners, students, clients, and colleagues through the use of good visual storytelling.  I also design and develop PowerPoint and Keynote presentations for people. 

And, I have a deep appreciation for Masters of the Craft of Communication.  Hans Rosling is a Master and then some!

Hans Rosling,is a physician, professor, and ace presenter.  He has spoken at TED.com something like 6 times; more than almost any presenter.  This talk below is short - only 10 minutes.  It is phenomenal the power of the material he imparts in a mere 10 minutes through the use of analog props to denote population growth in addition to his now famous (and free) Gapminder software.  It is worth a watch for the information as well as the pleasure of watching him as a performer. 

Hans Rosling's very first TED talk is also worth a good look.  Well all six of his talks are worth a watch!  This first one, though, is where he introduced himself to the public at large and introduced the presenting population to Gapminder.

In this talk, Rosling blows away our preconceived (and very incorrect) notions about First and Third World Countries.  Mind blowing!

The High IQ TBI

The thing about humans is that (at least prior to a brain injury) we all think everyone else thinks the same way we do. Therefore, if you are bright, dumb, or somewhere in between you think everyone is just like you and that you are nothing special.

Most people do not know they have a high IQ unless they have been told or, in my case, I figured it out by lots of research when I was trying to understand what was going on with me.  Later I found out about some old test scores and then, got scored again as part of the Neuropsych Evaluation when my brain injury was finally diagnosed.

Giftedness is a double-edge sword.  There are benefits that cut one way but difficulties that cut the other.  I wrote a post about the questionable and common overrating of the benefits while ignoring the drawbacks quite a while back entitled: High IQ is Overrated! Or is it?

We are different.  We are misunderstood; even by ourselves.  Maybe misunderstood especially by ourselves.  If we have not known we have a high IQ we have been beating ourselves up for not fitting in.

That their own perceptions and judgments are unusual may have been obvious since childhood, but they may have spent their lives assuming that this difference was a deficit, a fault, even a defect of character or a sign of mental illness (Lovecky, 1986; Alvarado, 1989). Thinking independently may seem foolhardy or antisocial.²

Gifted adults can misinterpret their complex and deep way of thinking as craziness. They can mistake their emotional intensity for emotional immaturity or see it as a character flaw. Because they have never been given information to explain what is "normal for gifted" they frequently experience frustration in the world, alienation, anger, self blame and emptiness. Without an adequate explanation of their gifted difference, they develop a facade with which they cover their authentic self; a face that they show to the world in order to fit in and so avoid disapproval or sanction.³

In fact, I still have a terribly difficult time admitting in here - announcing publicly - that I have a high IQ.  I feel like I am going to get stoned for saying it.  I envision a sea of onlookers heckling me; saying "Who in the hell do you think you are to claim you are gifted?!  You are just trying to make yourself seem special!"  The chorus of all of all my fears, failures, and the difficulties I've had fitting in are shouting in my head.  It is the music we, the "gifted" live with when we do not acknowledge or understand the way in which we are different and how to work with those differences.

We are a minority.  Think about it.  Even if we look at my IQ from the Neuropsych Evaluation that was given after my brain injury, for each person who has the same IQ or higher than me there are over 1000 people who have a lower IQ.  That means that I think differently than the majority of the people I come in contact with .  That can set a person up to be misunderstood at every turn of their life and especially when dealing with a TBI.

I think understanding our giftedness is very important for any person with a high IQ to heal from and live with a TBI.  The very things that make us different are the very things that make our TBIs different.  Having a TBI and a high IQ is a very mixed blessing. 

So, first off, what are some of the characteristics of being gifted?⁴ (No one probably has every single one.)

• perfectionistic and sets high standards for self and others
• is highly sensitive, perceptive or insightful
• fascinated by words or an avid reader
• feels out-of-sync with others
• feels a sense of alienation and loneliness
• is very curious
• has an unusual sense of humor
• a good problem solver
• has a vivid and rich imagination
• questions rules or authority
• has unusual ideas or connects seemingly unrelated ideas
• thrives on challenge
• learns new things rapidly
• has a good long-term memory
• feels overwhelmed by many interests and abilities
• is very compassionate
• feels outrage at moral breaches that the rest of the world seems to take for granted
• has passionate, intense feelings
• has a great deal of energy
• can't switch off thinking
• feels driven by creativity
• loves ideas and ardent discussion
• needs periods of contemplation
• searches for ???? in their life
• is very perceptive

Recently, I have been corresponding with two members on the TBI Survivors Network about the issues we face when we have a high IQ and have a brain injury. 

When a person has a high IQ to begin with, they still have one even though they have a brain injury. We actually don't lose it. Brain injuries are more like holes, big spots missing due to the injuries. But the part that is still intact still has the IQ which is the person's "normal".

Your high IQ is a big part of the reason this is all so painful. You (and I) acutely feel how much has been lost. Or in the words of my doctor "The holes can go deeper you, than for us mere mortals." (Yes, he said that!)⁵

An IQ is actually made up of Verbal and Performance scores. With brain injury there is usually a big gap between the two. There is in mine. There was also a decrease in both of them from what I had tested at pre-TBI, but it is the Performance that really took a dive. It is classic sign of a TBI.  A big part of our frustration is that part of us still tests way up high (the Verbal/analysis part) but our Performance is shot to hell.

The loss of ability is only one of the many things that is amplified by giftedness.  Let's look at the above list with an eye on how a TBI intensifies the characteristics of being gifted.

• perfectionistic and sets high standards for self and others
  

We do not stop adhering to perfectionistic standards for ourselves.  We try.  But it is pretty ingrained in us.  We must learn patience and compassion toward ourselves.

• is highly sensitive, perceptive or insightful

Highly sensitive means highly sensitive in every sense of the words.  Normal (non TBI) gifted tend to be highly sensitive to noise, lights, smell, and touch - to the point of cutting labels out of all their  clothing. 

A TBI increases all of these sensitivities to way beyond bearable!  PTSD does too.  And TBI and PTSD often come together.

I firmly believe that gifted adults and children suffer far more acutely in the area of hyperarousal than someone with a more normal IQ that did not start out as highly sensitive to begin with.

• fascinated by words or an avid reader

Aphasia is caused by damage to the parts of the brain that control language. It can make it hard for a person to read, write or say what you mean to say.  When you have a deep love of words and language it feels like a part of your very essence is missing to not be able to find words.  (I am so very thankful for the power of computers and Thesaurus.com.)

• feels out-of-sync with others
• feels a sense of alienation and loneliness

Heck, that is something anyone with a TBI feels.  It is probably exaggerated in the gifted.

• is very curious
• has an unusual sense of humor
• a good problem solver
• has a vivid and rich imagination
• questions rules or authority
• has unusual ideas or connects seemingly unrelated ideas
• thrives on challenge
• learns new things rapidly
• has a good long-term memory

Most of these attributes change with a TBI.  It changes who we are, how we see ourselves, how we interact with the world and our life. 

One of the biggest difficulties for Gifted/Brain Injured adults is that all of our life we have been able to rely on our ability to pick things up quickly, make the thought connections between disparate ideas, multitask, multi-think . . .  We relied on it even if we were unaware that we were doing so. 

Suddenly those abilities have been stripped from us.  That is huge.  At first we are completely at a loss how to navigate life.  Even with a very mild TBI executive functions involving planning, multitasking, and sequencing are usually compromised.  Because the gifted tend to "coast" relying on the enhances abilities this fall from grace is into an especially deep pit.

• feels overwhelmed by many interests and abilities 
• can't switch off thinking

Again, what is normal to us is only amplified by a TBI.

The way I would describe this for myself is that, yes, I definitely had these characteristics.  But with the TBI, especially before I got help, it felt like all the thoughts, interests, head noise were going all over the place.  It was like pre-injury I had a lot of colored dots swirling around in my head but there was a pattern and rhythm to them. I could somewhat control their path, channel them into useful, productive actions or thoughts.  After the TBI it was like all those dots were still in my head but they were going every which way at a frenetic speed.  There was no rhythm or pattern.  I could not channel them because in the first place the channels were all missing and even if I could grab one ball and hold on to it for a second I would lose the one I thought I had hold of; heck usually I would lose them both!  But they wouldn't entirely go out of my head.  They would stay there bobbing and flying around just out of reach!

• is very compassionate

Here is a key blessing.  Once we really start to get a grasp on what has happened and start to explore who we are now, we can turn our ability to be compassionate inward to ourselves.  Additionally we can also turn our compassion outward to all the caregivers who are working to help us heal and help us to learn and accept this new person inhabiting our bodies.  I think our ability to extend compassion also helps us to be a good coach, friend, and support to others traveling on this bumpy TBI journey.

• has a great deal of energy
• feels driven by creativity

Can you say "Brain Fatigue"?  The lack of brain stamina is horrific.  You think 3 thoughts and feel like you need to go to sleep for an hour; in fact, you do!  It is like taking a car going 120 miles an hour and having it suddenly slam into a solid cliff wall.  Who is this person who can't function and can't even stay awake?

• feels outrage at moral breaches that the rest of the world seems to take for granted
• has passionate, intense feelings
• loves ideas and ardent discussion
• needs periods of contemplation
• searches for ???? in their life
• is very perceptive

Again, I am going to cover this group of characteristics with a broad brush by saying "After a TBI; only more so!"  Because things are out of whack in our brain and our life we can exaggerate any and all of these characteristics.

Giftedness giveth.  Though our giftedness heightens or amplifies the changes due to a TBI, our gift also gives us many advantages in healing and dealing with the daily reality of the TBI. 

I will close with another quote from an email I wrote to a friend on the TBI Survivors Network:

Though the holes can go deeper, for us there is also a great deal on the positive side to having high IQs. We are tremendously  capable of developing good compensatory skills.  We are tremendously capable of using the attributes of our high IQ to help us heal, and develop a life that works. 

It is why I want you to get to a good TBI center. You will be able to take the help they give you and really use it! You'll see. It is not going to make the TBI go away. It is not going to give you (or me) our old self back. But it can give us a life worth living; a life we can enjoy.⁶

Footnotes:

1. The wonderful cartoon "Tis better to have loved and lost your mind" at the start of this entry is by Jeff Gregory of Jagged Smileand is used with permission.  I love his blog and his cartoons! 
2. Stephanie S. Tolan, Discovering the Gifted Ex-Child, Originally appeared in Roeper Review, August 1994.
3. Lesley Sword & David Harrison, Gifted Adults, from the website of Gifted & Creative Austrailia  This site is chock full of information for anyone wanted to learn more about Giftedness in Adults & Children.  I especially want to recommend their Articles page.
4. Lesley Sword & David Harrison, Gifted Adults
5. Emerson J. Browne, private email on the TBI Survivors Network. 
6. Emerson J. Browne, private email on the TBI Survivors Network.

Blessed by Friendship

I feel so blessed by the friends I have in my life!  They are such a source of comfort, support and also a reality check.

I found a new apartment to rent the other night.  The owner wants to check a lot of references - which I can well understand as my situation is rather unusual. 

I always email my references to give them a heads up.  So, I emailed my past landlord, a supervisor from Ball, some people I am working with at DVR, and a friend who is mentoring me in the starting of a narration business.

I got the nicest emails back!  It really warmed me up.  I feel so loved.

It was also a great counterpoint to the difficulties I have been dealing with in my present living situation.  That is where the importance of the reality check came in.

Thank you to all of you, my friends.  You enrich my life and keep my boat steady as I travel through this life!

Panel Votes to Block New BP Offshore Leases

Panel Votes to Block New BP Offshore Leases

The House Natural Resources Committee approved a measure that would ban BP from new offshore leases to drill for oil or natural gas because of past safety violations, sending the measure to the floor. The measure would apply to companies with violations of federal or state safety standards more than five times the industry average going back seven years. It would also ban leases to companies that have received Clean Water Act fines of $10 million or more, as well as those that have had more than 10 deaths at their facilities over the period.

via www.nytimes.com

This is a step. Now lets hope it gets passed.

The importance of this measure is that the consequence is keeping them from making the profits in the first place.  Consequences that actually effect the company may have a slim chance of making a difference.  Fines don't.  In most instances it is far cheaper to pay the fine than to fix the problem.  And then of course if they litigate the violation allegation they can stave off any repercussions at all as long as the can drag out the litigation.  There needs to be far stronger and tougher measures than this but along the same vein; of preventing profits from being made at all if a company is rampantly violating the rules. 

Even this measure is way too lax because it allows a company to get permits as long as they are only 4.5 times higher than the industry average in violations.  And of course, the "industry average" is horrible to begin with so that is a lousy measuring stick to start with.

Renting from the Man Without Fault

I have not blogged for a while because life has been fairly intense.  I have a lot of plates that I am trying to keep spinning at the moment and it is not really going to lighten up until the end of the month. 

But even more so, I think I have not written because I have been in a conflicted living situation.  It is amazing how much that sucks out of me.

In June I moved into a house which I was to share with the owner.  Five days after I moved in he decided that he did not want to share his home, instead he wants to rent to a student who will only be here a quarter, only want a room, and hopefully will never be home, so therefore he wants me to move out.  Oh, and he told me this by email!

I replied (by email) that I would do what he was asking but that I was going to deduct the cost of the second move from my rent.  He did not think that was "fair". 

When we finally talked about it and I pointed out all he had said and promised when I came to look at the place, he said "Oh, I was just being polite."  I responded that I had not been "just being polite"; I had been being honest and straightforward about what I was looking for in a living situation. 

The conversation went on for a bit and then there was a long pause; maybe he got it for a flash of a second because he agreed that he would pay for the second move.  But, he quickly added, it was just because he wanted things to be good between us.  (Meaning: That he wasn't agreeing to it because he did anything wrong or had any responsibility for the problem!) 

This is a guy whose wife walked out on him and he entirely puts the onus on her . . . Hmmm.

Things got fairly tense tonight because he would not let up on me.  He literally chased me around the house!  He wanted me to agree to something - which I would not do until some people called me back with information I needed in order to agree.  When I had the information, then I was able to take action.  It took all of an hour.  I emailed him the information (he was not at home) and then I said:

I think you are a better person than how you just acted.  The only thing I kept saying (over and over) is that I would not discuss it with you until I had information.  I am a person who stands by my word (and does not change my mind on people) and I will not commit to something until I know I can.  You honor people by listening to what they are saying instead of running over them like a runaway bulldozer due to your own fears.  I can understand the pressure you must be feeling about financial concerns but that gives you no right to take it out on me.

Yes, the second parenthesis is a bit of a dig.  I am aware of that but up until that email tonight, I had not really called him on his continued behavior.  I did so tonight because I am tired of him requiring my world to revolve around his wishes.  He has never even apologized for his "change of mind".  

I think often we are given situations in our lives to help us confront issues we need to confront.  For me, the issue I need to confront is when to "keep the peace" or when to call a spade a spade and stand my ground.  I have been quietly doing a lot to "keep the peace" here, because confronting M.A. on how self-centered and bizarre he is being really will not help the situation.  Tonight, he stepped over a line with me so I stood up and made it quite clear what I would not accept.

But there is another big issue here too:  How do I keep my center, and a good space in me in the face of this person's actions. 

It is his stuff; I know that.  But the whole conflict tonight drained and rattled me.  I am blogging right now because I am still too unsettled to sleep.  I am allowing his behavior to poison me.  

I know there is no point in talking to him about his behavior.  He is very trapped in his world view and terrified to do any actual self reflection. 

Actually, I just read a very good book by Dr. Bethany Marshall called Deal Breakers.  In it she describes 5 Personality types that most difficult men fall into.  One of them is called "The Man Without Fault".  Enter Mr. M.A.!  The chapter starts out with:

"Does your relationship revolve around him? Does he revel in his wonderfulness?  . . . The Man Without Fault views himself as unique and above reproach.  . . . He overvalues his achievements, dismisses his shortcomings, and minimizes the negative impact that his behavior has on others."  

The problem for me with the above is that it leaves me feeling like I am "giving in" to his behavior and not standing up for what is right and true, or even standing up for myself.  I feel like I want to tell him off to set him straight about the reality of the situation; to "win" the argument! 

That is ridiculous because there is never any winner in a power struggle. 

Aikido comes to mind.  "The essence of Aikido is that it is performed by blending with the motion of the attacker and redirecting the force of the attack rather than opposing it head-on."  I have to think on that in regards to this specific situation.  But the thought has brought comfort to me.  So on that note I will close this post and go to sleep.  Goodnight.

POSTSCRIPT:  I just had to add this because it is so funny given all I wrote about above.  For over 3 weeks it has been in the plans that I am having a yard sale this Saturday.  M.A. and I have talked about it, the date has been set.  I have priced everything, made the signs, etc.  I came home this afternoon (Friday) to an email from M.A. telling me I would have to have my yard sale on Sunday instead because he will be "in the garage working on his car on Saturday." 

Thank God I blogged about him last night and realized his MO: The Man Without Fault!  Because of the above writing I was just able to laugh at him being a jerk.  I am just as happy to not have a yard sale until I move anyway.  M.A. has been the one pressuring me to have one! 

Sure wish I could afford to double pay rent this month because I would be out of here and into my new place on Monday!!  But I do not have an extra $400 to burn and M.A. will not give me any of July's payment back. 

The wonderful squirrel cartoon is by Jeff Gregory of Jagged Smile and is used with permission.  I love his blog and his cartoons!

Cliche' to Creativity

What does it take to heal from a TBI? 

What does it take to rebuild a life or to build a new life as the new person one has become? 

   

In an article entitled Deciding to Show Up Barbara Winter writes:

I am reminded almost daily that entrepreneurs think differently than people who are stuck in a job. ... For instance, someone who has a fixed income mentality might dream of traveling and decide to scrimp and save for some faraway trip.  Given the same dream, the entrepreneurs among us will start generating creative ideas that will fund such an adventure – and maybe even bring a profit.  It's the enormous difference that only comes from living your life as cause, rather than effect.¹ 

Most TBI survivors become entrepreneurs of life, if not in business, just out of necessity.  We have to become advocates for our own care.  We have to become educators because TBIs are so misunderstood and, most important, we have to think like entrepreneurs to creatively overcome the hurdles our disabilities have put before us.

In groups like the TBI Survivors Network there are many heartbreaking posts because it is a place where we can be honest about the down days and the tough times, but there are also many stories of success and adjustment.  There are many who, in hindsight, even think they have become better people from the challenges they had to address due to the head injury.  (My jury is still out on that score.  I am still adjusting.)

A friend recently sent me a great article that was, in part, about developing persistence in kids.  

A firm belief that the way to bounce back from failure is to work harder—sounds awfully cliche: Try, try again.

But it turns out that the ability to repeatedly respond to failure by exerting more effort—instead of simply giving up—is a trait well studied in psychology.

People with this trait, persistence, rebound well and can sustain their motivation through long periods of delayed gratification. Delving into this research, I learned that persistence turns out to be more than a conscious act of will; it’s also an unconscious response, governed by a circuit in the brain.

... It monitors the reward center of the brain, and like a switch, it intervenes when there’s a lack of immediate reward. When it switches on, it’s telling the rest of the brain, “Don’t stop trying. There’s dopamine [the brain’s chemical reward for success] on the horizon.” While putting people through MRI scans, Cloninger could see this switch lighting up regularly in some. In others, barely at all.

What makes some people wired to have an active circuit?

... “The key is intermittent reinforcement,” says Cloninger. The brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through. “A person who grows up getting too frequent rewards will not have persistence, because they’ll quit when the rewards disappear.”²

Now, that is an interesting thing to think about on lots of levels when applying it to TBI survivors.  First off, the "switch" is located in an area of the brain that is commonly damaged in TBIs: the orbital and medial prefrontal cortex.  But the key thing is the sentence "The brain has to learn that frustrating spells can be worked through."  Even though we may have damage there, most of us have a brand new, huge, "opportunity" (read: necessity) to work through "frustrating spells" and therefore build new brain cells in that area.  We have no choice but to persist.  Well, I guess we have a choice of sitting around and moping instead of working to create a new life, but most of us do not choose that.

Most of us also have impaired dopamine production.  Since dopamine is the "brain's chemical reward for success" it stands to reason that lack thereof is an additional reason why staying positive about recovery is so very hard in the first couple of years and does seem to improve for most of us over time.  I wonder if part of the reason is that we have to rebuild our dopamine production as well as rewired our powers of perseverance. 

Footnotes:

1. Barbara Winter, "Deciding to Show Up",  Winning Ways, September/October 2009.
   
2. Po Bronson, How Not to Talk to Your Kids; the Inverse Power of Praise, New York Magazine, February 11. 2007
3. Photo Neurons is by ktsdesign purchased from 123rf.com.

Still in the Trees

I just finished up a journal that I started back on 11/14/08. I use these 300 page books from Levenger.com so they last quite a while. Plus there were periods when I just did not write much. So this one journal has spanned almost 20 months.

WOW! What a difference those 20 months have made.

I was deep in depression when I started writing; very deep. I knew it too but we had not yet found a medicine combo that was working. I saw the rehab psychiatrist for the first time 12/02/08 which is when my life started its slow climb out of a deep pit!

Looking back, it is interesting to see how the changes picked up speed as I went along. So switching analogies here: the change was more like a snow ball rolling down hill gaining speed and building in size as it goes so it covers more and more territory in faster amounts of time. Essentially I am saying that the healing and adjustment built on itself.

As you know, I am not done yet. It seems to be an analogy sort of night for me because as I wrote that sentence the image and phrase came to me that I am not out of the trees yet. I know when I went through another very difficult multi-year period in my life when I was a lot younger the process truly felt like a journey. I had not thought about the comparison until just now.

The thing is that with that process it never picked up speed, exponential growth, like it has with the TBI healing.

But anyway, back in the other process, for a long time I just felt like I was in a long dark, narrow, damp tunnel that went on and on. Then I would see light at the end of the tunnel but it was usually an oncoming train! It was a long time before I could see a dim light that really was the end of the tunnel. I exited out onto a heavily forested path that was nearly as dark and dense as the tunnel. As I worked on myself and my healing the trees began to thin. Eventually I walked out onto an open land that was a hill top or mesa that over looked a lush green valley. I could clearly see the path laid out before me going down into the valley into my new and happier life.

So as to healing from the TBI and moving into my next chapter of my life, I am still in the trees. I have not come to the open space and therefore I cannot see my path down to a lush green valley . . . but I am going to get there yet!

Percolations

Now since I have begun publicizing my blog more and am actually getting subscribers I found myself starting to get a little worried about the blog content.  For instance, knowing that some readers are coming through the TBI Survivors Network, I worried that those readers would not like it when I post about the ongoing oil spill in the Gulf.  Knowing that other readers have nothing to do with brain injury related topics I worry that they will get bored of posts that deal with that topic. 

Finally an answer!

While looking for information on Bengal cats, (since I am trying to "humanize" one; a story for another post) I came across this delightful introduction to another woman's blog:

The following content is an ongoing stream of my various projects, interests, discoveries, and so on; and just as a good pot of coffee has to percolate, so must good ideas develop gradually and be diffused through the quotidian clutter of our minds. I suppose you could summarize the following posts as my “percolations”.

If you’re the kind of person to ever get lost reading the phone-book, or someone who takes “detours” along the way to looking up a word in the dictionary, you’ll probably enjoy this blog. To all others who read this- good luck; you are reading my “ideas des jours”, and there’s no telling where they’ll take me…

Couldn't have said it better so I quoted her!  The above was from: Percolations.  However, she has since moved her blog to Jackie and Jill over at blogspot.

So, you of intrepid reading tastes, enjoy my blog.  The rest of you may want to use the Search function or the Category choices to find the content that interests you!